An Authentic High Holiday Service

category: Comedy
by Evan,

Spend some time at a synagogue in the past couple weeks? Here are some things you can likely identify with:

The room you sat in consisted of a dozen or so rows of permanent seats, followed by folding chairs that appear to be comfortable, but rarely are. These seats typically straddle a division of rooms, often marked by a folded up wall.
You were sitting near one or more of the following people:
- The guy that reads the responsive reading at his own, faster pace
- The older man whose hairs cause his nose-breathing to whistle
- The woman whose perfume is ridiculously overdone
- The know-it-all who chants/reads every part of the service
- The high schooler who “had to go to the bathroom” at least five times during the two-hour service
- The annoying child. You know who they are…
You know how many bricks are on the wall, how many slats on the blinds, etc.
While one hand was turning pages, your other hand was held at the last page of the service.
You were thankful that it was not Shabbat and, therefore, nothing in red had to be included.
On at least one occasion, the person called to the Torah for an aliyah started to read the “after the reading” prayer before the reading, or just altogether read it incorrectly.
There were quiet oohs and aahs after “tekiyah gedola” on the shofar while the Rabbi smirked in content for providing this excitment.
Paper bags were handed out to fill with food for the hungry, as well as ensure that you had to handle plenty of food while fasting.
You became excited when the Torah was carried around the room so that you could check out everyone else in the sanctuary behind you.
You pretended to be happy to see a handful of people, only to turn to those next to you and gossip about them after they left.
The cello solo lasted eight-and-a-half minutes. You timed it.
You got your annual dose of the word “xenophobia”.
The tune to several of the songs you know have changed since last year.
You wished you had an excuse to not be able to stand for the standing parts like the elderly congregants.

Happy New Year!

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